Things You Shouldn't Say to Someone Who is About To or Has Adopted

I just grabbed a copy of Nia Vardalos' book Instant Mom. It's all about how after years of infertility, she and her husband adopted a preschooler.  

Been there, done that, bought the underwear thinking he'd be potty trained when he wasn't.  I haven't started it yet and I don't know how much I will commiserate with it or just find it annoying. With all the grief that IVF and infertility in general brings, I don't know if I'm really in the mood.  It's really such a depressing thing and everyone's journey to adoption is so different.  Even though you are happy in the end, the list of insensitive yet mostly, well meaning things that people say to you, is, well, insensitive.  Maybe not well thought out is a better way to put it.

Here is a list of some things that should be avoided when discussing a person's journey to adoption.  And yes, these were all said to me during the process and after our beautiful children were brought home from China.  Please realize I did not counter back with the italicized snarky comments, but maybe I should have.

1. You know, after you adopt you will get pregnant.  I know (fill in the blank with a relative or friend's name) did.  It happens all the time. Uuuh, no it doesn't.  My one and only pregnancy came five years after the second adoption and didn't work out.  So I don't think the adoption is the key to fertility. 

1A This goes hand in hand with If you relax and have a drink, you will get pregnant. After 10 years, you tend to think that all drinking is doing is making you drunk and not pregnant.

2. I guess I would try IVF once, just to see. It's a fortune and is truly not for everyone, though I have no moral issue with it.

3. I couldn't adopt a child who didn't look like me. It's a fortune and truly not for everyone, though you are a fairly insensitive person for saying so.

4. I had a failed adoption. Thanks for letting me know!  That puts my mind at ease.

5. Will you continue to try to have a baby of your own? Your idea of "my own" and mine are obviously very different.

6. Why are you going through an expensive agency?  Here, I'll give you a name of a different one that's cheaper.  You get what you pay for and an adoption agency is not something to scrimp on.  And we couldn't have done it without the wonderful folks at Spence-Chapin.

7. We know people who adopted a baby through Japan. No you didn't.  Japan has never had an international program.  You must have mixed it up with another Asian country, like Korea or Cambodia or Vietnam or China.  I guess they all meld together after awhile.

8. She hardly looks Chinese at all! Yes she does look like she is Chinese.  She is from China.  We are not worried about her "passing."

9. If they call you before the end of the school year, just tell them its not a good time and you will come for her when the year ends.  Would you leave your baby in the hospital until it was a "good time?"  Same difference.

10. Why would you tell her she's adopted?  Because one day she might look a mirror or see a picture of her family.

11.You're white.  What's the point of talking about Chinese culture?  Because she is not white and she can't become white.  She has a right to know where she comes from.

12. Are they really brother and sister? No snark here.  I totally get what is being asked, but it is often said in front of the kids.  Yes they are "real' brother and sister, but not biologically.

13.  We don't mind a little brown baby running around.  Oh, good!  We were SO in need of your permission.

And on a similar note, in front of my child.

14. I know where you can get a blond child. Again, we are not worried about "blending in" just to make others happy.

And my favorite comments from the same person at two different times in front of my child:

I feel guilty because I get pregnant so easily. Funny, because I don't feel guilty for thinking you are really a clod.

If it was between no children and adoption, I guess I'd have to go for adoption.  Because its the lesser of two evils...

Again, I know that people are only trying to help or be sympathetic or well-meaning. My sarcastic responses were in my mind only, but it sure does feel good to be able to write it! On second thought, there are still a few people I'd dearly like to "explain" things to!

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