I think I would have slapped the psychiatrist on Good Morning America this morning when she kind of shook her head in disdain if it were not for the 20 mg of Lexapro I had just taken.
While I acknowledge that some women take this in lieu of, say, a glass of wine at 10 AM, a lot of us suffer from debilitating panic, anxiety, and depression. This medication allows us to be functional. It's not about breezing through your day bouncing and smiling like you stepped out of a tampon commercial. Its about being able to go to a store and not thinking you are going to faint. It about being in a new situation without thinking that you need to know where the bathroom is just in case you need to cry or throw up. Its about not looking at others and wondering how they actually smile and have fun because you don't have a clue how its done.
Although I had no idea what it was, I had anxiety back in first grade. It was most definitely separation anxiety and it was bad for quite awhile. I always wanted to go to the nurse because I was so nauseous with worry.
Later on, I would lie in my bed some mornings, starting in my early teens, and feel what I could only describe as a feeling of acute loneliness. I realized a few years ago that these feelings which started to pop up, seemingly with no reason, was anxiety.
These feeling intensified and I'm pretty sure it was why I was unable to go away to college. There was a time though, that I could go to on trips with a friend. I think it was because I told her what was going on. Soon after that, I was having lots these episodes.
In some ways, I think it is why I didn't date a lot. It was not for the lack of wanting too. I just gave off a stay away from me vibe. Too shy, too full of panic at what could happen.
For a long time, I refused any medical solutions. I felt it was ridiculous to take a pill just to get through life. Meanwhile, I almost fainted from an panic attack in a supermarket, hated Home Depot because the high shelves felt like they were closing in on me, thought that the second I started to sweat in the summer meant I was going to faint, and contemplated all ways of escape any place I went. Self-checkouts were a God-send. I could be in total control. Waiting on line at a store was torture. Just contemplating leaving the house was a nightmare.
It never got any better and my husband clearly did not understand why he had to accompany me everywhere. I even had the option of going to meet General Hospital and now Dancing With the Stars cast member Ingo Rademacher and instead passed and went to a car show with my husband because I was too nervous to stay alone for two days or go meet the handsome actor.
I used natural remedies to go on two harrowing trips to China to adopt my children and again to take an anxiety filled three day trip to Disney World. I actually couldn't handle being on that crowded, tight, closed in Dumbo Que. Do NOT get me started on the Monster's Inc. Laugh Floor. The holding area was a nightmare. I felt like cattle going to slaughter it was so tightly packed.
About two years ago, I was pretty much on the brink with my marriage it was so bad. I had no patience for anything and anytime I could, I wouldn't go to work as a substitute. I'd routinely have a panic attack, mild as it was, in the classroom du jour. No one was ever in harms way and no one would have ever suspected what was going on, but they happened. Little things as it was too hot or when would I go to the bathroom or if I don't eat some amount of protein, I might pass out.
Finally, my husband said it had reached a breaking point and if I did not get help, he would have to consider moving on. Not that he wanted too, but life was unbearable. He credits Dr. Phil's mantra, "Do it until" with saving our marriage.
That and a little pill called Lexapro. It's been over two years now and I can honestly say that I would not have been homeschooling or be the Mom and Wife I am now without it. It's not about getting through the day in a daze. It's about being able to leave the house without thinking catastrophe might strike. I can go to a store, movies, homeschool outings, and out after dark without panicking. It helped our marriage get on track again because now I was rational. I could treat my children well and be with them all the time without feeling like I had to escape them immediately after they got home from school. It was truly a lifesaver and not some kind of crutch. Last June, I even took my daughter all the way to Florida on a plane and stayed in a hotel for two nights so she could go to a gymnastics competition. I NEVER could have done that in the past.
I don't take it because I want to be in a relaxed state all the time. I take it because without it, my children would be in school all day with a mother who avoided doing activities outside the home with them and would retreat to another room just to avoid dealing with them.
I still have moments of anxiety, but at least they are rational. I was a mess during the previously mentioned competition and recently, my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and we had to tell him. That was an anxiety filled moment and few weeks until we found out that he was OK. But who wouldn't be a bit crazed with that?
Now, I realize that I can handle chaos but also the little things. I now get how people are able to go out in public and smile because now I do too.
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