We Are All Horrible, Horrible Parents

Can someone please tell me when it fell out of fashion to talk kindly to and about people?  To avoid politics and religion in conversation until you really got to know someone?  Or at least until you really wanted to piss someone off?  What happened to judging someone privately, in your own home, with your own friends and family, behind his or her back?  Come on people!  Those were the good old days of being negative, judgy, and superior in private.

Message boards. Social Media. Personal blogs by people with no clue (I'm not ashamed to include myself in this!).  Anonymity, no immediate feedback,and a delete button has made all of us more inclined to be open with our criticisms and judgements and nastiness. Comment sections have given many idiots (and I use that term in the most loving way) the platform to be downright hateful and vulgar. But you knew that already.  I have even found myself being both more bold with my comments and slightly nasty myself on occasion.  Not usually, but it is so easy to do that with just a few keystrokes.

What bothers me most, though, is that it seems Mommy Wars are no longer about working outside the home vs being a stay at home mom.  There are many facets to being a good Mom and it seems, based on message boards and social media,that we are all colossal failures at parenthood.  Someone will shoot you down if you raise your children slightly "outside the norm."  Or if you raise your children totally within "the norm."  Or if your child is named Norm (obviously, you watched too much Cheers! Shame on you!)  

With this in mind, I give you all the ways we are all terrible parents (please realize that this is totally tongue in cheek and that it is not a criticism of anyone or anyone's ideas and beliefs). With all due respect to Jeff Foxworthy, you may be a terrible parent if:

You are a stay at home Mom
You work outside the home
You are a stay at home Dad
You send your kids to public school
You send your kids to a religious school
You homeschool
You unschool
You vaccinate
You don't vaccinate
You are refusing Gardasil
You are all for Gardasil
You raise your children with religion
You raise your children without religion
You co-sleep
You breastfed
You pick-up a crying baby
You let your child sleep in their own bed, always
You bottle fed
You let them "cry it out"
You spank
You reason and use consequence and redirection
You are carnivores
You are vegetarians
You are vegan
You let your kids eat fast food
You let your kids eat non-organic
You are against GMOs 
You don't let your kids have sugar
You let your kids eat whatever amount of sugar they want
You let your kids drink soda
You are a fear mongerer because you believe in (fill in the blank)
You are a sheeple because you believe in (fill in the blank)
You have been to SeaWorld
You are boycotting Seaworld
You are anti-stereotypes of all kinds
You believe some stereotypes are true
You pass judgements on celebrity parents
You think celebrity parents get a bum rap because they are in the spotlight
You believe that Asperger's syndrome and ADHD and food allergies are real
You think none of these exist and some parents just like to label their kids.
You are a "helicopter" parent
You are a "free-range" parent
You medicate your child
You medicate yourself
You like wine to relax
You like an occasional joint
You like meditation or yoga and someone suggests that a joint would be quicker.
You are "entitled"
You are an "elitist"
You are neither
You are against Congress but for the President
You are against the President but are for the Congress
You hate them all.
You love them all (OK! That would never happen!).
You are correct in your decisions.

 Here's what I think. Raise your kid the way you want.  Don't beat up on others.  Be cordial.  Agree to disagree.  Don't go to message boards and attack others just because no one knows who you are.  Most of all, know that your kids will one day blame you for their mistakes no matter what you do.  And then they will get over it and raise kids pretty much the same way you raised them.  You hope.

Back-to-School for Homeschoolers Too!

 

We are now entering our fourth year of homeschooling and, quite frankly, I am sick to death of all the whining,crying (my 9 year old son), fighting (both), sarcastic comments and eye-rolls (11 year old daughter).  I don't actually think sending them back to a brick and mortar building is the answer. My running and screaming from the house?  That may be an option.

Even though we homeschool, we tend to follow a schedule similar to public school.  It's what we all seem comfortable with.  Since they both attended school for a few years, I like to do some of the same things that other kids do.  This year, they received a letter that told them who their teacher is and what is expected of them. Please feel free to copy, paste, and print out a copy for your own homeschool, changing the information.  Also, feel free to change some of the somewhat sarcastic nature that my children have come to expect from me but, may not be right for your needs.

August 27, 2014,

Dear ____________,

Welcome Back to The Judd Family Homeschool!  We hope you had a wonderful and fun-filled summer vacation!  You will be entering_____grade in just a few days!  Your teacher will be ____________.

As a student at The Judd Family Homeschool, you will be expected to demonstrate the following helpful behaviors:

1.    Please be prepared.  Make sure all your books, pencils, and pens are ready to go at 9:00AM whether you are at your own school or are traveling to our babysitting location (or appointment, car ride, activity, etc.)

2.    There will be a positive attitude at all times.  Whining, complaining, and irritating other student or your teacher will result in unpleasant consequences. For example, you may lose your allowance or iPod or Kindle privileges.

3.    Work for the week will be presented on the Sunday before.  Please look it over and make sure you know what books you will need.

4.    All work must be completed at the end of the week or it will be done on the weekend.

5.    Some of our lessons will be done together, such as science and some social studies.

6.    No whining about CNN Student News.

7.    No whining about math

8.    Or reading.

9.    Or writing.

10. Please be aware that sarcasm and a poor attitude towards the other student, simply because he or she breathes or looks in your direction, in not tolerated.  Neither is throwing, hitting, kicking, screaming, or scratching.  Those actions are reserved for your teacher to do, alone, behind her locked bedroom door when any of the above happens.

11. Remember you are role-models, not only when representing homeschoolers in public, but in the homeschool community.  Again, no whining.

12. Finally, NO WHINING!

Have a wonderful year and try not to torture your teacher/mother/sibling!

Under this, I wrote in pen, "No wandering around aimlessly."

I hope this can work for you!  I hope it can work for me!

On the Road to Recovery: Six Weeks Later

I made it!  I survived despite all my emotion and fear in the days before leading up to my surgery.  I am officially down one uterus! Things did not go as the doctor planned.  A forty-five minute laparoscopy turned into three hours of abdominal surgery.  Then I had a hard time coming out of the anesthesia.  I almost think some of my emotion came from a premonition that things would not be as simple as originally thought.  Endometriosis reared its messy, icky head again and was all over everything. Like a drunk, handsy guy at a wedding.

When I went into pre-surgery, I had a panic attack because I was told they would cut my wedding ring off if I couldn't get it off.  I'm sure having a person who could not put in an IV and insisting to the nurse that it was fine even though I was saying it burned, started me off on a bad note.  The ring thing just put me over the edge.

I usually remember going into the OR and being put under but, when the Doctor offered me something to calm me down, I said yes. I remember nothing after that. I also usually wake up in the OR as they wheel me out.  I woke up in recovery this time saying over and over, "Are my chickens OK?"  Not my health, children, cats, or dog.  The chickens.  Must have been hungry for omelettes.  It would be quite awhile until I ate or drank anything that was not a wet, star shaped, mint flavored, sponge on a stick. Really.

Let me just say that I really enjoy a good morphine drip.  This is probably why they take it away from you so quickly.  I did have pain that only ibuprofen would help. I can't even get doped up properly on the good stuff.  Yes, the catheter was a bit pinchy.  I, of course, had to go to the bathroom numerous times after that.  Thank goodness for the wonderful, wonderful nursing and nurses aids and technicians without whom this would never have been possible.

I did suffer another panic attack when I was told I'd need a blood transfusion.  I was already quite anemic going into the surgery and coming out, my blood pressure and oxygenation levels were low.  It took the doctors all day to make a decision and finally, at 10 at night they started it.  It took a mere four hours. I was very happy to go home after two nights.  

The best part was and remains that I feel so much better than I did and don't regret this decision for a minute.  I didn't realize how horrible I felt due to the blood loss until I was better.  I can also now sneeze without incident, thank you oft criticized and litigated surgical mesh. I am perfectly fine with permanently ending my unproductive reproductive years.

  I am eternally grateful to my husband Chris. My son Owen matured an enormous amount over those first few days and cuddled with me all night on the second evening I was home. My daughter Maddy was having a fabulous time at Camp Ma-He-Tu in Bear Mt., NY and I didn't have to worry about her. 

Thanks also to all my amazing friends who took care of my son by driving him places and picking him up, supervising him at the movies, having him sleep over, and having him for play dates. Thanks to them as well for the well wishes, texts, and dinner. I don't think I ever mentioned it to her but, in case I didn't make it, I had designated my dear friend Laura H., as official homeschooler of my children, because I knew she would do right by them.  That's the kind of friends I have supporting me; the kind who would take my whiny kids and educate them.  We would have paid her too, so no worries!

I can now get back to writing about less dramatic and hopefully more humorous takes on my life.

24 Hours and Counting!

So, last night, I let my 11 year old fall asleep with me because she is very nervous about going to two weeks of sleep away camp today.  She ended up staying the whole night.  This was nice because as a prepubescent, this is the almost the only time she will cuddle with me.  She is better this morning, which is great, because now I'm nervous for both of us.

We leave in two hours to take her and then at 7:30 tomorrow morning, I leave for my own adventure.  I'm so fortunate that I have a great husband and great friends who are helping out, especially with my son who tends to worry about lots of things including my dying.  He will be cuddling tonight.

I'm worried about a few things:

1. Dying.  That would be the first thing. I find the whole surgery/operation room really cool.  It's sudden aneurysm/heart attack/stroke/undiagnosed thingy that I worry about.

2. My kids.  I know that they are in good care but, my anxiety about their anxiety is hard.  Again, my son is happy to be hanging out with his best buds this week and I know he is well cared for.  I just worry about his little sensitive self.

3. Catheters and removal there of.  Enough said.

4. Not having shaved in the last few days.  You see, you are not allowed to shave within 48 hours of surgery.  I missed the window yesterday and will now go into surgery with not only hairy legs and armpits but, a five o'clock shadow.  Maybe more like a 2 PM shadow.  Hard to tell at this point.  

5. I will no doubt be hungry at about 6AM with only toothpaste to sooth my rumbling belly.  I hope there are yummy apple juice cups and Lorna Dune cookies!  Maybe instant coffee!

6. I am concerned that the Kardashian clan will so something of note and I will miss it.

7. I feel I will be disappointed if my uterus does not weigh 30 lbs and that my non-existent thigh gap will continue to be non-existent.  I just hoped that while down there, maybe they would tack on a free cosmetic procedure:  "Free liposuction with your fifth gynecological surgery!"

8. I will not be on Facebook for 12 hours and I will miss all the political drama.  Actually, that is a good thing!

Off I go!  I will keep you posted!  Log in again to follow this story and please share if you think others can relate!

Thanks!

PS. What if I forget to DVR Good Morning America so I can see the interview with 17 year old Malala in Nigeria?  I need that for home schooling in September!  

Getting My Hyster Ectomied

So when I started up this blog, I called it "A Woman's Pause" for two reasons.  I wanted to pause and look at all the experiences I have had in life and how they have shaped me as a woman, wife, and mother.  The other reason was that I believed I was going through "the change, " the cute little name for peri-menopause.  I was a bit off with the later.

This might get a bit detailed, so if you are a guy reading this, please skip down a bit.  If you are a guy, you may not want to read this at all.  I digress...

A bit over a year ago, I was starting, stopping, starting, stopping, and then going on and on for about a month.  Silly uterus!  It's just changing!  I stopped for three weeks.  Then "Aunt Flo, " my "Friend, " (more adorable, cute names), decided to move in permanently and cause anemia in addition to a lot of concern an worry.

The thing is, I've always had some issues.  And I'm a Mom of two young kids who have been home schooled for three years.  We do lots of things and I was dead last on the priority list.  I know that is familiar to lots of you.  Also, after being poked, prodded, operated on, and being put on hormones for many years as well as a short-lived pregnancy, I had had enough of doctors.  So I neglected my health, which was always supposed to be fairly closely monitored.  

I took three years off and was then in a panic.  I went to see the OB/GYN.  She is both thorough and conservative which I like.  I had to have a endometrial biopsy.  Painful to say the least.  And negative, thank goodness.  As I winced leaving the office, my nine year old son asked why I was uncomfortable.  I said that there is part of the body called the cervix and the doctor pinches off a piece to look at under a microscope.  But don't worry, it grows back.  "Like a sea star?" my sweet boy says.  "Yes, exactly. " I say.  Best laugh of the day.  I kind of pictured myself with a leg growing out of my "hoo-ha"( Oh, for heaven's sake, it's a VAGINA!).

Anyway, I got my blood tested immediately and had a mammogram.  Everything was fine.  But, this was not perimenopause.  My hormones are fine.  My uterus does not know what it's doing, essentially.  It's like it goes in a full cycle, without stopping, every four days or so.  It has been doing this for three months.  I so should have invested in Always Pads!  The good part is, that unless necessary, I get to keep my ovaries.  This prevents me from going into hormonal menopause.

I am both looking forward to this ending and also feel somewhat sad.  I think that for most woman who have this surgery, they have had their children.  I have been pregnant once and briefly, after I dealt with infertility and two adoptions.  My uterus has never served me well.  It has been a problem for almost thirty-five years.  Pain, mess, mood swings, frustration, disappointment.  But it also failed me in doing the one thing that it should have been able to do-carry a pregnancy.  

Don't get me wrong.  Adoption was the best thing we could have done.  But is is hard and somewhat sad.  This is the end of a very long and complicated story.  Normally, a woman of my age (47.5), would not be looking to get pregnant anyway. In many cases, they already have a family.  But it is the definitive end. No way.  No accidents. No change of life babies. No vessel to accomplish this.

But, although I think there will be a bit of a grieving process, I am ready to just feel better in general.  Anemia has been difficult.  I'm a bit tired at times because of it.  And bonus!  I get a urethra lift in the process!  Yippee!  That comes with it's own benefits!

So I will continue this story in the next couple of days!  Please stayed tuned!

Once Again, It's Been Awhile!

I know, I know!  I'm possibly the worst blogger ever!  So what has been happening this past year?  Well, lets see...

My 9 year old who NEVER gets sick, had two bouts of strep and ended up in the ER.  Twice.

My 83 year old Dad, falls down and breaks five ribs and ends up in the ER.

My 9 year old who ALMOST NEVER gets sick, has his first ear infection in about six years.  On a Sunday because that is the best time of the week to get sick.  No ER this time. Weekend pediatrics offices are great though.

My 77 year old Mom has heart palpitations and I helpfully diagnose it as a panic attack.  It was atrial fibrillation.  This is why I did not go to medical school.  She goes to the ER.  For 15 hours.  Luckily she finally gets a room. The second she can, she drives and is never heard from again.  Just joking. She came back eventually.

My 11 year old is diagnosed with OCD.  We are now helping her learn how to cope and telling her she can no longer take three hours to do her finger nails.  She is limited to only five tries to try to achieve the perfect pony tail.  We are trying to minimize the all out panic attacks she sometimes has because of it.

She leaves for two weeks of sleep-away camp tomorrow and is very nervous about how she will deal with this away from home.  So am I.

Oh, and I'm having a hysterectomy.  "Hyster" from the Latin for womb, "Ectomy" meaning take it out  and offer good pain killers afterward. 

 Also, no vacuuming or strenuous activity for several weeks.  Who am I kidding?  That's pretty much status quo.

By the way this is not the last year of my life.  This is just about the last three months with most of it hitting the big time about three weeks ago.  I realize I am both strong and simultaneously a nervous wreck.  I'm very worn out at this point and am looking forward to general anasthesia.

Please join me on my fabulous surgery journey! I promise it won't be a year this time!

My Guilty Pleasure

I must say, I have always been a fangirl since I was quite young.  Shaun Cassidy, Donny Osmond, and Davy Jones (who was adorable until the end) were my favorites back during what could now be described as my tween years.  And although I dreamed of one of them sweeping me off my feet and being my husband, I never really was one to write fan letters or scream at a concert.

As I got older, I realized that I could never possibly be a pop star's spouse, what with the groupies, parties, and constant travel.  It just didn't seem like a good lifestyle for me.  Of course, I also didn't know them so that seriously put a crimp in the whole "I love you, but I'm afraid I can't be with you because of your lifestyle" scenario. And I'm forever grateful that I never converted to Mormonism because I never did meet Jimmy Osmond.

But, I have always been a huge fan of pop culture and have always wanted to see more inside a well-known person's world. Its not that I want that world for myself, but I always thought it would be fun to just have a conversation with someone famous that I found interesting.  I guess I wanted to see if they are just ego driven or if they are folks just like anyone else.  

Enter Twitter.

Twitter is, without a doubt, my guilty pleasure. In just 140 characters,  I finally get to see if the people who I think might be interesting to know are interesting or just idiots. I follow a lot of news people, Dancing With the Stars pros, American Idol alum, other reality "stars," General Hospital actors past and present, and anyone else who I might find interesting.  You wouldn't believe how fun Alan Thicke and Chaz Bono can be!

I tend to follow people who think the same as I do on different issues simply because I don't want to be aggravated during what should be considered fun (so sorry Kirk Cameron).  I find that most people are just like anyone.  A lot are Moms and Dads and so far, no one is really too dippy.  For that reason, I don't follow Justin Beiber, Miley Cyrus, or anyone with the last name of Kardasian.  If I get annoyed by someone, I just unfollow.  

And the best part? You can tweet them and they TWEET BACK!  The dialogue I have always wanted is now possible!  I will sometimes comment on a performance the person has given, or an issue they support, or simply a Mom thing.  Quite recently, I have tweeted with Good Morning America's Sam Champion about Dancing with the Stars.  Some are even great about birthday wishes Sam and Josh Elliot wished my son a Happy Birthday.  I asked if they could and they obliged.

I have had "chats" with DWTS' Tony Dovolani and Lacey Schwimmer, GMA's Sam, Josh, Lara Spencer,Ron Claiborne, Dan Harris, Ginger Zee, and Elizabeth Vargas (George Stephanopoulos is my personal Holy Grail), American Idol Season 5 winner Taylor Hicks, Malibu Beach  and Queer Eye  alum Jai Rodriguez, N'SYNC's Lance Bass, Holly Robinson Peete, Real World San Francisco's Judd Winick, The Little Couple's Dr. Jennifer Arnold, writer Missy Buchanan, The Chew's Michael Symon and Carla Hall, peace activist Dr. Jennifer Stepanek (we've actually exchanged real letters over the last couple years),  and yes, even Kate Gosselin.  Sometimes its just a retweet; sometimes its a little conversation, but its always a hoot to get a response.

 I once went back and forth with Ginger Zee wondering if my son would perish during an outside activity in the extreme heat. She assured me he would be OK.  Carla Hall was pleased that "slapping my mint" to bring out the flavors had worked well for me.  Lacey replied that my favorite movie dance scene in a movie (the last big dance number with Cyd Cherrise in Singin' in the Rain) was hers as well. And Kate and I surmised that its important to do some math and reading during the summer so that knowledge is not lost. 

 I would love to get a response sometime from John Krasinski, Ingo Rademacher, and David Cook  I admire all of their talent and how they conduct themselves as people in the public eye.  I'm kidding!  I think they're pretty sexy!

I feel very much like those who collect autographs.  I collect mentions on Twitter. It's less time consuming and probably cheaper. I think at 46, I'm always going to be a fan of pop culture and all that surrounds it.  I'm just glad that I found a way to continue to have fun with it! 

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